In addition to the normal things that everyone wants for Christmas—socks, some candy, an end to the Donald Trump presidential campaign—I have a small list of suggestions. What should you get for the enigmatic Sarah Cahalan this year if, for some reason, you can't get your hands on a gift card to Red Lobster? Get me one of these.
Suggestion #1: Soundproofing for my apartment walls, so I can sing along to Kerrigan-Lowdermilk videos on YouTube to my heart's content without feeling the slight twinge of guilt that my neighbors may not want to hear power ballads about teen angst while they eat their lunch. Alternatively, if you cannot find an adequate soundproofer by Friday, I would also accept a neighbor who is an executive in the music industry, hears my singing, and would like to make me very famous.
Suggestion #2: A hand-written invitation from Lin-Manuel Miranda asking me to come play Angelica Schuyler on Broadway for the rest of my days.
Suggestion #3: The ability to Apparate. Or a date with Daniel Radcliffe. Either one.
Suggestion #4: A job. Maybe even a job with health insurance!
Suggestion #5: Some kind of magic pet rabbit that I could have to look at or play with when I want to because it's cute, but which otherwise I don't have to pay attention to or put any effort into feeding or keeping alive.
Suggestion #5B: A boyfriend with those same qualities.
Suggestion #6: Just enough money—in perpetuity—that I never have to feel bad when I have plenty of food in my house but am bored with it and choose to instead go to the grocery store and buy myself something microwaveable.
Suggestion #7: Every kitchen appliance ever used on The Barefoot Contessa.
Suggestion #8: A bottomless, self-refilling snack drawer in my desk at work. Sure, most of the time it would have easy things like chocolate covered cranberries or pretzels, but it would also occasionally serve up pierogies or, I don't know, a ham.
Suggestion #9: A Freaky Friday-style life swap with Joanna Gaines from HGTV's Fixer Upper for one day, but then also a contract where she and her husband would decorate every place that I live in for the rest of my life, but in the style of an Urban Outfitters catalog rather than the rustic chic thing she normally does which is great in Waco, Texas, but would look absurd anywhere that I ever plan to live.
Suggestion #10: A lifetime supply of leftie-oriented calligraphy tools.
Suggestion #11: 25 or more likes on all of my Instagram pictures forever.
Suggestion #12: Stanley Tucci.
So there are a few ideas! Grab your minimalist wrapping paper and get to work. If you need me, I'll be off somewhere listening to the Justin Bieber Christmas CD. Happy holidays!