Well, friends, the time we should all have seen coming is finally here. TSwizzle (that's Taylor Swift, for the idiots among us) has released her fourth album, Red. When it comes to my tastes in entertainment, I am unabashedly a 13-year-old who merely masquerades as a college honors student. Given those facts and my blogospheric duty as an arbiter of all things cultural, I present to you the first-ever Domerberry Album Review. Because honestly, what else could I possibly do?
Since I'm not an actual music critic, I'm going to review based solely on my whims. If I have nothing to say about a song, I'll ignore it! That said, I'm going to begin by skipping straight to the title track, "Red." How to phrase my feelings on this song? Hm...I'm obsessed with it. TSwiz has been driving that new Maserati straight through my mind, without ceasing, for about three days now. As an English major, I can't help but love a song that gives such a great lesson on figurative language. Since pretty much every single line takes the form "doing X is like Y," this song will come in quite handy should I ever need to teach a group of fifth graders what simile means.
The next song on the album that screams for me to address is, of course, "I Knew You Were Trouble." Let's get this on the table right now: it is completely unacceptable, in every way, for Taylor Swift to produce a song that even remotely qualifies as dubstep. Obviously, then, I love this song. It's so entirely wrong, and yet somehow, it manages to be so right. Every time that miniature beat drops after "lying on the co-old hard ground," I'll admit it, I rock out a little bit. In all seriousness, though, Skrillex hurts my ears, so keep on bringin' the dubstep lite, pop stars of America!
Then there's the one-two punch of "22" and "I Almost Do" (thanks for setting up that sweet rhyme, TayTay). 22 is obviously about to become the party anthem to end all party anthems for the next 6-36 months. I am already planning the clever Facebook status I will make out of these lyrics for my twenty-second birthday, and I still have 5 more months until I even turn 21. Hataz gonna hate. "I Almost Do." Hi. Story of my actual life, as well as the lives of every single person who will buy this album, and the lives of 80% of the people of Earth who don't buy this album. "I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye"? I'm not even sure I have anyone to whom that applies and it still brings me half to tears. GOSH, TAYLOR, STOP UNDERSTANDING AMERICAN YOUTH SO WELL.
"We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together." Yeah, the inevitable has happened and I have embraced my love of this song. Whatever.
Clearly, Taylor works well when she is repeating words, because the next discussion-worthy song on this album is "Stay Stay Stay." This is the cutest song since...eh...the Barney theme. It almost makes me physically ill. The most laughably meaningless lyric on this entire album is this number's "I just really like hanging out with you all the time." Oh, really? Deep, Taylor. But then she says, "It's been occurring to me that I'd like to hang out with you for my whole life," and my heart melts all over the floor, because, it's like, she gets me, you know?
And finally, there are the last three songs. First, we have "Everything Has Changed," the duet with quirky British ginger Ed Sheeran. While I admit I don't know a ton about him, it seems that Ed Sheeran is exactly the type of gentleman whom I plan on meeting and eventually marrying while in London next semester (assuming my plans to break up Will & Kate fall through), so I'm automatically a fan of this song. Also, while I think it's healthy for her as a human that she's finally started to write things somewhat beyond the emotional level of a high school freshman on this album, I ultimately like TSwiz best when she is cutesy and in love. This song feeds into my desire for cutesy Taylor love songs 100% and, if it weren't so freaking low (seriously, are you a bass, TayTay?), I would literally be singing it at every waking moment of this week.
My only issue with the next track, "Starlight," is its inspiration. Am I the only one who finds it a little creepy that she wrote a song about the love story of her boyfriend's grandma, with whom she is openly obsessed? I don't think I am. If we ignore that uncomfortable reality, though, this song is among my favorites on the album. Also, replace Bobby Kennedy with six awesome Jesus camp counselors and this song magically becomes about Break Week - just in case we ever need an anthem that isn't "Some Nights."
TSwiz finishes strong on Red with "Begin Again." It is everything you want in a Taylor Swift song all rolled into one. It's catchy (just try to tell me that "little kii-iid" line isn't stuck in your head; if you do, you are lying). It has sass about an ex-boyfriend. It has lovey-dovey talk about a new boyfriend. It is, essentially, perfect.
Overall, like every other person on this campus, I am entirely bewitched by Red. Though it's a little heavy on the "I miss this person I dated recently" themes to fit my life quite as specifically as I like my TSwiz to do, I can sympathize. After all, if Jake Gyllenhaal was my boyfriend and that stopped happening, I think I'd write an album (or twelve) of sad songs about it, too. TayTay In Love and Having Fun appears plenty on this album, as well, and the songs are just awesome enough to make me forget the creepy fact that she's writing them about a high school senior. Red passes the Domerberry standards test with flying colors. Loving this album is red. Burning red.
(P.S. This is my 69th post. LOL. See above, "I am secretly 13 years old" and I have no shame about it.)