Wednesday, October 26, 2011

How To: React When Class is Cancelled

In honor of my American Studies lecture being cancelled this morning (the first cancelled class I've had all semester), I thought it fitting to write this brief tutorial on How to React When Class is Cancelled. Read, learn, and enjoy.

Professor: "Hello dear students. We will not be having class today!"

At this point, you must ask yourself the following questions.

1) Were you supposed to have a test today?
        -If yes, rejoice. A lot.
        -If no, rejoice anyway; you don't have class! (Caveat: If you pulled an all-nighter studying for said      test, take a moment to complain about your all-nighter, then shut up and go back to bed - you just earned 50-75 more minutes of sleep.)

2) Did you have homework due for today?
        -If yes, did you do it?
                  -If yes, congratulations, you are an overachiever. Consider cancelled class your reward.
                  -If no, it is your lucky day.
        -If no, your homework-ridden peers probably hate you anyway. Do not brag about cancelled class;  you may be lynched.

3) Do you like this class?
        -If yes, rejoice about cancelled class anyway. Being sad about 50-75 extra minutes of life is for losers.
        -If I even need to explain this one?

By now, you have figured out the appropriate response: joy! You then realize that you have 50-75 minutes in front of you for which the possibilities are literally endless. ("Literally" used loosely in this case. I would not advise, for example, taking a trip to Bali during this newfound free time. That would not go well.) The next order of business, then, is figuring out what to do with this time. You must, once again, ask yourself a series of questions.

1) Do you have Twitter?
        -If yes, tweet about cancelled class. Let all your followers know how much greater your life is than theirs!
        -If no, first of all, you should get one. Secondly, make up for your lack of Twitter by bragging to people in person and/or, for the especially bold, on Facebook.

2) Back to question 2 from above: did you do your homework today?
        -If yes, congrats.
        -If no, you have two options for this free time:
                OPTION 1: Do your homework. (Note: if you choose this option, you are probably a loser.)
                OPTION 2: Your homework is now not due until several days from now. Do anything but your homework. For advice on what to do, keep reading.

3) Did you get enough sleep last night?
        -If yes, see the next line, because you are a college student, and "yes" is a lie.
        -If no, report immediately back to your dorm and sleep until your next class. If you're really bold, keep sleeping right on through your next class - you worked really hard this morning in that class you didn't have.

4) "But Sarah, factoring in commute to and from my dorm and my class buildings, I'd only have 20 minutes of nap time! Not worth it. What do I do now?" Well, grasshopper, allow me to teach you.
        -OPTION 1: Report to the nearest public building (in the case of Notre Dame, try LaFun). Find a couch. Sleep there. This option does wonders for your stamina and your dignity.
        -OPTION 2: Do something productive. Homework for another class, working on a paper or project, answering month-old emails, cleaning your room, exercising, etc.
                  -Note: If you choose option 2, please also do the following:
                             1. Find a dictionary.
                             2. Look up "fun."
                             3. Punch yourself for being the antithesis of the definition you just found.
         -OPTION 3: Do something unproductive. Your options here number in the thousands. Some of your best choices include...
                             1. Facebook stalking someone.
                             2. Facebook stalking yourself.
                             3. Watching funny YouTube videos. (Recommendations: Animal Beatbox, Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, Potter Puppet Pals, Sassy Gay Friend, anything Jenna Marbles)
                             4. Making funny YouTube videos.
                             5. Painting a picture.
                             6. Baking a cake.
                             7. Looking up baby Halloween costumes.
                             8. Looking up Irish baby names.
                             9. Doing some online shopping.
                            10. Chili face noodle punch (see                        
                            11. Turtle backback turtle spin (see #10)
                            12. Crying about your life. Just kidding, this is not an option - you had class cancelled today! Your life is not cry-able!

And finally, if you don't like any of these options, there is one more...

                            13. Write a blog post about what to do when class is cancelled, wasting your entire 50 minutes of newfound free time. Afterwards, go to class. After class, come home and do any/all of #1-12.


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