So it came to my attention while I was sitting alone in my dorm room in my pajamas this afternoon that apparently, there's a rumor circulating that my eggo is preggo. Obviously, this is the single most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life. To be extremely clear, this rumor is completely, hilariously false. Allow me to tell you why.
Let's begin with a summary of my day today. It was a pretty exciting and atypical Saturday, you see, because I actually left my dorm. After a long night of Mrs. Doubtfire-watching last night, I got into bed, very much alone, and set my alarm for 10 am. At 10, my alarm went off, I laughed, turned it off, and went back to bed. At around noon, I finally rolled out of bed. By around 1:30, I had decided to finally change out of my pajamas...into sweatpants and a T-shirt, also known as essentially more pajamas. I sat in my room all afternoon, writing a sentence here and there of the paper I'm writing on the significance of the Resurrection, Facebook creeping through all the newly-minted Christmas profile pictures people have put up, and listening to the new CD released by the liturgical choir I sing in. Then I heard about this pregnancy rumor thing, laughed for a really long time, and went out to tell my neighbors. They, too, found it hilarious, and then invited me to make a Target and Panera Bread run with them. I agreed, and now we're back in the dorm, sitting in my RA's room as usual, listening to Justin Bieber and shopping for nail polish online.
This is the life that I live, people. Where a pregnancy fits into this equation, I do not know. But in case you still see room for it, let me tell you some more about how I live my life. I've gone to probably ten "real" parties - in my entire college career. Last night, I went out with my friends, dressed, as my dorm-mates claim, like a "sexy reindeer." This is not quite accurate. I wore a skirt for once. And a long-sleeved crewneck T-shirt. And antlers. And eyeliner, for about the third time this semester. Dream big. We went to one party - in a dorm - had a lovely time for about 20 minutes awkwardly standing in a corner and turning down drink offers, then came back to the dorm and, as I alluded to earlier, watched Mrs. Doubtfire. That's a pretty average "going out" night for me. During the week, every spare second I have between classes and homework (in case you've forgotten, I so happen to be an honors student at a top 20 university), choir practice, and meetings of my dorm's Spiritual Life Council is spent either on Facebook, sitting in my RA's room, writing this blog, or sleeping. (Alone.) There is nothing I am doing during my week that could possibly lead to me getting pregnant. TRUST ME.
They say that there's an ounce of truth behind every rumor. In this case, I'm not sure where on earth you're getting it. Maybe you think I look fat in my recent pictures on Facebook. Cool. Your prerogative. It's probably because my neighbor keeps peer pressuring me into eating cookies and cheesy breadsticks all hours of the day (you know who you are!). Maybe you read here on my blog all the brilliant insights I have on the male species and assumed they must all be falling at my feet. Nope. In all probability, whoever you are that made this up, you're kind of a creative genius. I'd be offended by this rumor if I weren't laughing so hard. I commend you on your ability to come up with this tale, because it is so comically far from the truth. You're pretty funny. So way to go. Next time you start a pregnancy rumor about someone, though, maybe go for a girl for whom a pregnancy could be a non-immaculate conception. Oh, and to anyone who heard this rumor and actually believed it? You are an idiot.