Saturday, April 7, 2012

Domerberry Movie Review: Titanic (3D!)

Are you sitting down, dear reader? If you're not, I would encourage you to take a seat, because what I am about to say will shock you. Before last night, I, Sarah Cahalan, had never seen Titanic. I know what you're all thinking. Where have I been the past fifteen years? How can I even call myself an American? It is appalling, but true. Due largely to the fact that I was five years old when it came out (and because I've never felt like devoting the necessary nine hours to it when I've come across the film on TV), as of this time yesterday, I had never seen Titanic. 

It being Easter break, then, and my few remaining on-campus friends and I being bored out of our minds, we decided last night that we would go and see a movie. We narrowed our options down to 21 Jump Street and the recently re-released Titanic 3D. After several minutes of "No, you pick"s and "I'm cool with whatever!"s, we whipped out the ol' Rock, Paper, Scissors to choose our film for us. By a stroke of divine providence, I - the Titanic representative - won, and it was off to the theater.

What followed were the most glorious four hours of my life. Unsurprisingly, I loved it - for so many wonderful Titanic-y reasons.

First, there's young Leonardo DiCaprio. At one point during the film, I turned to my friend and basically screamed at her, "YOUNG LEO DICAPRIO, WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED TO ME?" This pretty much sums up my feelings on him. I mean, were he to offer by some strange miracle, I would not hesitate to marry current Leo. But for 1997-era Leo, I would turn down pretty much anything in the entire world. (Note: if I had to choose between being adopted by Stanley Tucci and marrying young Leonardo DiCaprio, I would probably just kill myself from the grief of making such a decision. Anyone else opposing young Leo would receive from me a hearty laugh and an immediate no.) He is perfect. In every way. This is especially true if you ignore the somewhat-creepy reality that he looks literally incapable of growing facial hair in this film, what with his precious baby face. As I said about six times over the course of the film, I hate you, Kate Winslet. I hate you so much. Is it weird that I want to be you? Unlike Kate Winslet, I would actually never let go of your hand, young Leo. Never ever. Trust me.

Secondly, there is a reason why this was the biggest movie in the history of movies until stupid Pocahontas in Space (or, as it is more commonly known, Avatar) came along and ruined the world. Everything about it is just ridiculously awesome. Costumes? Awesome. Casting? Awesome. (Victor Garber!) Sets? Awesome. Story? Awesome. Super high-quality night sky projection that appears over and over again? Okay, not so awesome. But you get the point. I was pretty much in tears for the whole last hour of the movie - tears which, by the way, 3-D glasses do next to nothing to hide. Luckily, I was at the movies seeing Titanic in 3-D with two other college girls on Good Friday, so uncontrollable sobbing was to be expected.

To those of you who know me, this last reason should be the least surprising: the soundtrack. For most of the film, it's of typical above-average loveliness. Then the boat sinks, the credits start rolling, and the best non-movie part of the movie begins. "My Heart Will Go On." The best song...ever. Some of my earliest memories are of me perfecting my Celine Dion impression along with the radio in the backseat of my parents' minivan, so this song holds a special place in my heart. As soon as the credits started, I informed my friends that we weren't leaving until the song was over, and, since I was the one with the car, they didn't argue. Because we have no shame, we took this opportunity to turn the theater into our own personal karaoke bar. We sang along with every last word. We got very into it following The Key Change and got some strange looks on the high notes. We left the theater and listened to it again on the way back to campus. It fulfilled - nay, epitomized - every 20-year-old-girl stereotype that has ever existed, and I loved every second of it.

In all, now that I have been converted, I am converted for life. Titanic is the best. If any readers are sitting around wondering how to spend their Easter's Eve evening, I think it should be clear that going to see Titanic 3D is the only acceptable option. Sorry, Easter Vigil mass. So have a lovely holiday, dear readers, and remember: never let go.

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