Wednesday, August 1, 2012

This Is My Post About the Olympics

Most of you probably know that I am not the biggest sports fan in the world. In fact, I think it could safely be said that I hate sports. The blaring exception to this rule (besides Notre Dame football, obviously) comes once every two years in the form of the Olympic Games. I. Love. The. Olympics. This is particularly true of the summer games, during which school is generally out and I, therefore, do nothing for the 17 days of games except sit around watching the Olympics. The greatest thing about being unhealthily obsessed with the Olympics is that, unlike with obsessions with, say, Stanley Tucci, nearly everyone in the world is right there with me. Given this shared worldwide obsession, it is clearly necessary that I write a post (or twelve) about the Olympics. To craft this post, I am reverting to my primary comedic medium of summer 2012: the Top 9.

Firstly, I give you the Top 9 Sports That Are in the Olympics and Shouldn't Be.

9. Dressage. This sounds like an event where people compete to see who has the most fashionable horse.
8. Trampolining. This is apparently a category of gymnastics. Is it super cool? Probably. Does it look like what every backyard in America looks like when given a trampoline and a ten-year-old? Also probably.
7. Greco-Roman wrestling. I'll allow this to stay in the Olympics; however, only Greece and Italy should be allowed to send teams.
6. Synchronized swimming. Let's not pretend we take this sport seriously. (Note: synchronized diving can stay, because it is awesome.)
5. Beach volleyball. Misty May, Kerry Walsh, and their extra last names that no one cares about are great and all, but it's volleyball on the beach. Honestly, people. If it must stay, at least make the men's uniforms as revealing as the women's. Please and thank you.
4. Handball. What's next, drunken RecSports broomball?
3. Table tennis. Come on.
2. Women's water polo. I watched this for a couple hours today, and I'm convinced that women that athletic cannot actually exist. Sports played by robots should not be allowed.
1. Racewalking. Look it up.

Next, on the other end of the spectrum, Top 9 Loosely-Defined "Sports" That Aren't in the Olympics and Should Be.

9. Dressage, as an event where you actually do compete to see who has the most fashionable horse.
8. Trading of Shakespearean insults.
7. Bubble football. Look that one up, too, people.
6. Liturgical dance.
5. Performing the Irish jig on the bleachers in the student section of Notre Dame Stadium after several hours of no-holds-barred tailgating. If you doubt the worthiness of this as an Olympic event, go watch it at a game, then try and tell me it's less difficult than badminton.
4. Unicycling...because, like, why not?
3. Manicuring the freakish hands of Olympic archers.
2. Competitive bottling of the Russian gymnasts' tears.
1. Channel-flipping between the 85 different networks on which NBC shows the Olympics.

Sarah's Top 9 Favorite Olympians, also knowns as Top 9 (Okay, 7) Olympic Athletes Sarah Has Heard Of

9. Gabby Douglas. She is a tiny ball of sass. Spent most of the "basking-in-new-gold-medal-glory" time last night not paying attention to anything and wearing her sweats when everyone else was still in leos. Obviously, I like this girl.
8. Ryan Lochte. In the battle of Lochte vs. Phelps, Phelps will forever have my heart. However, have you SEEN Ryan Lochte?
7. Missy Franklin, mostly for the time she told Matt Lauer on the Today show that she blew a fuse in the Olympic Village that day straightening her hair for the Today show. D'awww.
6. Whichever idiot on the US men's basketball team has that ridiculous beard. (Note: people tell me his name is James Harden. I do not care about your name, sir. Shave your face.)
5. The two Nigerian women who danced through the entire Parade of Nations. They were awesome.
3. Michael Phelps.
2. Michael Phelps.
1. Michael Phelps.

So that's pretty much what I have to say about the Olympics. If you need me any time between now and my return to ND, I can probably be found sitting in my living room, watching the Olympics and playing the Sporcle "Countries of the World" quiz until I can manage to remember Kyrgyzstan and Bangladesh in the same round. (Michael Phelps says there's nothing more frustrating than finishing fourth. This is false. There is nothing more frustrating than remembering 195 of the 196 countries on the Countries of the World quiz.) For now, then, turn on your TVs, listen to the dulcet tones of Bob Costas, and read this on the commercial breaks from the primetime coverage. Go world.

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