I've given it some thought, and I have decided that it's true: I really should be given an advice column. For reasons that I can't even remotely understand, people just love coming to me with their problems and asking me to help them. While my responses may not do much to solve their actual dilemmas, the fact that they ask certainly does a lot for my ego! Furthermore, I have lots of opinions on pretty much everything, so I like to think that sharing my opinions with people, through the guise of counseling them or giving them advice, occasionally helps them out, too. So, without further ado, here goes a series of my opinions on subjects and problems recently posed to me - also known as episode one of the Domerberry Advice Column.
So, you see, there's this boy. He's like, super cute and, like, nice and stuff, and we've really hit it off. We hang out pretty often - well, I mean, at night usually, because he's, like, really nocturnal, you know? - and I think things are really going well. He's not my "boyfriend" per se, because he totally thinks labels are, like, soooo lame. And he doesn't like people to know I'm seeing him. Oh, and I'm still a legal minor and he's nine years older than me. That's like...totally okay, right?
Dear Secret Lover,
I'm not gonna lie, this relationship sounds like a phenomenally bad idea in quite a number of ways. In theory, I'm not opposed to age-disparate relationships. I mean, my grandparents were seven years apart or something and they were married for, like, ninety years. However, this particular one has some issues. It should probably concern you that he insists you only see each other in secret...and at night...and that you refrain from "using labels." I'm not saying he's, you know, a borderline pedophile who's only interested in you for reasons that are just a few notches short of wholesome....but, now that you mention it, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. So, by all means, feel free to keep seeing him! Just maybe think of having a police escort with you and a bottle of mace in your purse when you do. Hope that helps!
Like so many twenty-year-olds, I'm livin' my life, bein' a college student. When I come from college, I don't want to be bored, obviously. And, you know, it'd be nice to not have to put my love life on hold! So I've got a casual thing going on with a guy I know back home. He's completely adorbs, and very much my type, he just happens to be, you know, 15. Is that so bad? I don't think that's so bad! It's not so bad, right? Help me!
The Mayor of Cougartown
Dear Madame Mayor,
Technically, this is probably not advisable. People generally say that the youngest "acceptable" age for a potential mate/boyfriend/cub is half your age plus seven. So a relationship with a fifteen-year-old, by societal standards, is probably what most people would call "creepy." However, by the time you're 24 and he's 19, as far as the formula's concerned, you're golden! And hey, you're nowhere near the Creepytown USA that the former Mrs. Hulk Hogan and her thirty-years-younger boyfriend inhabit. All things considered, then, should you start memorizing when the kid's in homeroom or geometry and start following him around his high school? Eh, you know, probably not! Should you ask him to be your boyfriend and change your Pinterest wedding plans to reflect his initials? Again, I'm gonna go with a big fat "no"! However, is it the end of the world for you to hang out with him now and again? My verdict is no. As long as you keep your activities at a level he could watch at the movies without an adult - so, you know, keep it PG13! - cougar away, my friend!
I'd prefer to stay anonymous, but I'm the daughter of some pretty famous folks, and I've got a problem. Some idiot on Twitter decided to mess around with my name - which is, admittedly, a bit unorthodox - and they're spreading around that it stands for "Illuminati's Very Youngest, Born Living Under Evil"! They can't even get my first and middle names in the right order! I keep trying to say that's obviously nonsense, but no one will take me seriously. I mean, I wasn't born yesterday, people! Well, I mean..I guess technically...anyway, could you please give me some advice on this? I ain't no child of evil, I'm Destiny's Child! In a completely metaphorical sense, unrelated to my parentage, because, again, anonymity is key.
I Don't Even Know What the Illuminati Is
Don't worry about what people say; you're significantly richer than them! Assuming my sleuthing skills have successfully navigated me through your oh-so-thickly-veiled attempts at anonymity, I think I can say with confidence that you've probably got a bit more going for you than people who sit around coming up with hidden meanings behind the names of babies they'll never meet. If you're still not convinced, take comfort in my own experiences! My name is normal and, you know, an actual name, but I've still had people butcher it. (Selah and Sahara are two of my personal favorites. Yes, people have actually, non-ironically called me those names.) And few people know this, but my name is actually an acronym, too! Of course, mine stands for Smart And Really Amazingly Hilarious. But hey, you win some, you lose some, right? Good luck with your album!
That's all for now, folks! Oh, and so everyone's aware, the aforementioned events and people are completely fictional. Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, or to any situations that you feel like you've actually told me about, say, within the last 24 hours, are purely coincidental.