Sunday, January 1, 2012

Just Call Me Mayan!

The word on the street is that, sometime in antiquity, the Mayans made a fairly important prediction about this year in which we have recently started to live. While I have no idea what THAT might be, since no one has ever, say, written a song, made a movie, or crafted some "clever" Facebook status/tweet about it, I have a few predictions of my own for this new year. A note on my credentials: I may not be a Mayan calendar-maker or a psychic, but I did dress up as Sibyl Trelawney one night last semester, so clearly, I am totally qualified to make these predictions. Please accept them as fact.

Predictions About Babies
1. Kourtney Kardashian's baby will come out of the womb Jersey Shore-status tan, bearing a foot-long, luscious mane of shiny black hair, and wrapped in swaddling clothes fashioned from $100 bills.
2. Beyonce and Jay-Z's baby will have a platinum album and a clothing line by the end of 2012.
3. The LHS Class of 2010 will start producing its first within-wedlock babies.
4. I will remain very much not pregnant.

Predictions About Weather
1. My house will actually blow away to Oz from ridiculous 60 mph wind gusts. (Note: this is going to happen by the end of today. I am currently in my living room fearing for my life.)
2. Notre Dame administrators will not be dumb enough to give us another snow day.
3. South Bend, IN, will experience unseasonably mild, pleasant temperatures and humidity levels for the entire summer, particularly those days of summer that coincide with the Vision program during which I will probably be housed in an un-air conditioned dorm.
4. Hurricane season will end after the second hurricane of the year, because the entire world will be too collectively dumbstruck by a storm named BERYL to possibly continue.

Predictions About School
1. Science majors will continue to make fun of Arts and Letters majors every day of their lives, because it's not like the President of the United States majored in poli sci or anything.
2. Defying all odds, I will excel in "Poetry Writing for English Majors." Expect my first book of poems to be published by September.
3. The LHS senior class will have an academic top 20 including students with GPAs of 2.5.
4. Notre Dame will make a sudden leap to #1 on the US News and World Report college rankings list. Just because.

Predictions About Politics, Sports, and Other Things I Don't Care About
1. In a come-from-behind victory, the Republican presidential nomination will go to Donald Trump. When he loses the general election, he will simply declare Obama "fired" and forcibly take office.
2. In another highly improbable, come-from-behind victory, the Colts will achieve a hometown victory in the Super Bowl. Haha just kidding, they don't win games.
3. The LA Lakers will win the World Series, and the Indiana Fever will win the Stanley Cup, both with a final score of 40-37.
4. Bob Rohrman will run for and become governor of Indiana (2013 - king of the world).

Predictions About Entertainment
1. Multiple teenagers will attempt suicide when Breaking Dawn: Part 2 comes out and the Twilight series (and subsequently, all meaning in their lives) comes to an end.
2. The highest-grossing film of the year will be a remake of From Justin to Kelly, telling the unlikely but touching love story of Justin Bieber and Kelly Osbourne.
3. Nicki Minaj and Josh Groban will make a collaboration album that will sell five million copies, ten of which will be bought by me, because I just loved it so much!
4. We will see the dawn of 4-D television. Its pioneer will be VH1, who will start to actually send Drita from Mob Wives out of viewers' televisions to beat them up mid-show.

Miscellaneous Predictions That Wouldn't Fit Anywhere Else
1. The world will not end on December 21 or any other day this year, because God is not cruel enough to end the world before I turn 21 and/or The Book of Mormon stops being sold out every night on Broadway, neither of which is likely to occur in the next 12 months.
2. My family will finally win the HGTV Dream Home. Look for me on all the gossip websites during Sundance in my new hometown of Park City!!
3. Cars will be replaced by hovercrafts.
4. This blog will be discovered by someone extremely important, and I will be catapulted to enormous fame and fortune. I'll be sure to thank all of you faithful readers when accepting my first Oscar/Tony/Emmy/Pulitzer/Nobel Peace Prize.

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