Sunday, November 6, 2011

Dear Boys

Dear boys of Notre Dame and the world,

After a weekend disproportionately full of baked goods and Howard girl bonding/ranting time, I have decided that it is high time for me to devote some blog space to educating you on how to interact with women. For if this weekend taught me anything, it's that you clearly have no clue where to begin. Literally every girl I chatted with this weekend had some boy to complain about, and each of these boys had at least five or six things he was doing terribly wrong. So, gentlemen, listen up. Take some notes. Trust me, you need to.

Your first lesson is in assertiveness. As long as you don't exercise this right to the point of creepiness or, say, "forcible fondling," assertiveness is great. For example: If you want a girl to hang out with you...tell her! Invite her over or something! Being vague enough to force a girl to ask you if you want her to come over is never good. Similarly, if a girl asks you some harmless question, give a real answer. Don't answer with another question ("what are you up to?" "idk what are you up to?" is not a conversation anyone wants to have), don't avoid the question altogether, don't say something meaningless. Give the answer you're actually thinking. It really isn't that hard. The girl you're talking to - and the collection of friends she's probably sitting around analyzing your behavior with - will appreciate it.

On a similar note, the general male population of earth could use a lesson in text etiquette. There is no surer way to send a girl into a mad frenzy to analyze your every move than by being strange in your texting habits. An important aspect of this lesson is the ever-present question of how long to wait before responding to a text. (Hint: "several days" is not a good option.) In general, as long as the girl you're texting is herself responding promptly, the "30 seconds to 3 minutes" time frame is ideal. There is an important caveat, though. If you're in a relatively fast-paced text conversation with a girl and you suddenly take 10 minutes or more to respond, she WILL assume that you have either A) died, B) been in a horrible accident leaving you unable to reach your phone, C) found some other girl to talk to/make out with, which you're probably doing while she waits for your answer, or D) spontaneously lost all interest in her. If you don't have a very good reason for a pause this lengthy, avoid it. At all costs. If you do, however, have a valid reason, be sure you point that out when you do respond. "Sorry I took 45 minutes to respond to your text - my roommate drunkenly threw my phone out our third floor window and I had to go get it" will suffice quite nicely. Other texting faux pas to avoid include the one-word (or worse yet, one letter) response, the excessive use of "lol" ("lol idk" is not a good answer to "what are you up to?" I'm guessing you do know, and I guarantee you did not just laugh out loud), and the attempt at any sarcasm short of 100% blatant (because sarcasm transfers suuuuper well to written word).

Finally, though it's incredible that you still struggle with this, it's become evident this weekend that many of you gents do, in fact, need a lesson in common courtesy. Step one: cab money. If you take a girl off-campus somewhere - a party, a restaurant, the circus, wherever - do. Not. Make. Her. Pay. For. Your. Cab. This is incredibly tacky. I don't care if you're not romantically interested in this girl; if you're going off-campus one-on-one with her, she at LEAST deserves for you to pay for your own cab fare, if not hers as well. Step two: casual conversation. If a lady appears to be uninterested in a long conversation with you, don't force her into one. I'm sure you would expect this courtesy of us; we expect it of you, too. We've got stuff to do and people to see. Sometimes we don't actually want to sit and listen to you talk for an hour. Step three: the sacredness of girls' night. This one should be self-explanatory. If a girl has chosen to devote her night, either staying in or going out, to her girls, you must not intrude. Honestly, you shouldn't want to - it will not be fun for you. If a girl wants to chill/dance with her friends, she is unlikely to even want to pay any attention to you. As Jenna Marbles once said, "Motha(impolite term), can't you see we havin' a girrrrls' night?" Stay away, for the good of all involved.

Well, boys, this should serve as an excellent primer for how to act with the lovely ladies of your life. If you take these to heart and still mess up or you're too stupid to retain anything I just said, try to make yourself as much as possible like Ryan Gosling. That will always work.


Women everywhere

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