Sunday, February 19, 2012

Domerberry Movie Review: The Vow

On Friday night, I did something really out-of-the-box and exciting. I actually left campus (!!) to go see The Vow. This was the most unrealistic and simultaneously wonderful movie I've seen in quite some time, and I felt it was only fair to write a blog post about it. Will you see more Domerberry Movie Review posts in the future? Maybe. If I can find more movies whose main selling point is "Channing Tatum is hot," then yes, I will certainly write more reviews! For now, sit back and enjoy everything you ever wanted to know about The Vow. 

I will start by stating the most obvious problem with this film: if you wake up from a coma and Channing Tatum tells you he is your husband, you do not disagree with him! No! You say, "Are you sure?" and when he says yes, you praise God for allowing all of your wildest dreams to come true! Because Rachel McAdams does not do this, I, from the start, have some trouble taking this movie seriously. 

One thing that I did like about this movie is the completely fantastic, imaginary life it created for this couple. For my readers who are not aware, The Vow is actually based on a true story. From an article I read yesterday, I learned that the real couple - whose names are Kim and Krickitt, by the way - were disappointed that the movie didn't portray the Christian narrative that permeated their actual story. I'm sorry, Kim and Krickitt, but, first of all, I can't type in your names without laughing. And second of all, I would have enjoyed this movie significantly less had the story gone, "I have amnesia and don't remember my hot husband, but we're going to persevere because we love Jesus." For one thing, in that version of the story, Channing Tatum would probably have talked a lot more and been a lot less shirtless - two giant negatives. In the version of the story that the movie told, Paige and Leo (greatly improved names) had awesome, cool lives and cool jobs and lived in a cool apartment and made me want to drop out of law school, move into the city, and take classes at the Institute. Does it matter that I'm not in law school, live nowhere near a major city, and have little to no artistic ability? NO. Thanks to The Vow, it is now what I want to do. (Return a few years from now for the addendum to this, entitled "The Domerberry Quits Her Job and Pretends to Write Novels While Really Just Being a Dirty Homeless Person"!)

The Vow taught me two other important lessons, as well. The first is that I should really write in my journal more often - because you never know when a large truck will plow into your car while you're kissing your hot husband and leave you with five years' worth of a cool hipster-y life you forgot you had. The second is that I should never cease contact with my family for any significant time. I say this not because, you know, it's wrong and you should love your family and talk to them and stuff. Nor am I motivated by the fact that, if I were to stop talking to her, my grandmother would successfully hunt me down, wherever I am in the world, making the whole point moot anyway. Nay; I say this because, if The Vow taught me anything, it's that your years-absent family can and will use your amnesia as an excuse to steal you from your hot husband and make you stop living your cool, hipster-y life. So, family, if you're reading this, worry not! I will never cease communications with you...because I suspect you'll ruin my life if I ever get amnesia.

Another thing I have to give The Vow props for is its portrayal of rich people from the Chicago suburbs. For my readers who aren't fully aware of Notre Dame demographics, approximately 95% of students here are, in fact, rich people from the Chicago suburbs. And while I'm not saying that all of you are generally horrible people, as the film would sort of want you to believe, I am saying that this movie got the dress code completely and utterly right. This being Junior Parents' Weekend, I've seen more than my fair share of people in the past few days who hail from the subset of America that inspired the "Lake Forest" contingent of characters in this film. I think the costume crew for The Vow may have actually stolen clothes from some of these people's closets. So, kudos to you, movie - you've perfectly captured pretty much everyone at Notre Dame. Furthermore, with your subtle moral message of "Don't be a stuffy lawyer/trophy wife, be a cool sculptor/musician," you've reminded us all that, here at ND, we're doing life wrong. Thanks, The Vow!

So clearly, this post has demonstrated that I'm completely incompetent at writing movie reviews. In a last-ditch effort to make this somewhat resemble an actual review, I would arbitrarily assign it a 8 out of 10 for being a harmless to good film, at times cute, at times funny, at times sad - I did almost cry on two separate occasions - and at many, many times, filled with Channing Tatum, without whom I would give the film a 5.5 out of 10. Oh, and be warned: if you think you'd like this movie, the previews will convince you of several more mushy rom-coms you simply must see. So be prepared to shell out not just the cash for this movie, but also for five or six others a few weeks from now - and, girls' dorm RAs, rest assured that the film industry is going to keep you stocked with section event ideas for many months to come.

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