Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Is There a Football Game This Weekend?

Of all of the 300 million people in America, I am probably the most indifferent about this Sunday's Super Bowl. My only thought on the Patriots is that Tom Brady is hot when his hair isn't weird. The New York Giants are nothing to me but a funny line from Madagascar. To be completely honest, I actually had to go to to find out who was playing in the Super Bowl, because I really had no idea. Despite this indifference, I feel it would be a shirking of my patriotic duty as an American to have a blog and not talk about the Super Bowl, so Super Bowl post it is.

(In the interest of positivity, I will speak here only of the aspects of the Super Bowl that I find cool and/or enjoyable. If you want to read something that's actually about football, you may as well stop reading now. There is, buried deep down under a lot of helmets and mouth guards and scantily-clad cheerleaders, some good to be found in this game...I just find none of it related to the actual game at all.)

For one, I like that it is in Indianapolis this year. As my faithful readers know, I do love me some Indiana, so I think it's cool that my home state finally is hosting the game. It would've been nice for our Indiana home team to win, you know, any games this season, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. From the extensive Facebook stalking I've done, it looks like there's a lot of neat-o things happening in Super Bowl Village. If you went to the Pauly D "concert" and enjoyed it, there's a 90% chance you are what's wrong with America. If you waited more than an hour in line in 20-degree weather for the zipline, there's a 90% chance you should be institutionalized. Any of the festivities but those two, however, sound awesome! I will not go so far as to say I wish I were in Indy right now, but that's mostly because I despise large crowds and have found that serious NFL fans are some of the most horrifying people in the world. Also in the category of SB's Indiana connections, it is extremely legit that two of my good friends from high school will be performing in the pre-game show. (Keep an eye out for the ginger and the midget while you're watching the IU dance team!)

Like most women and gay men everywhere, I find one of the only redeeming factors to the game itself to be the ads. Companies spend enough money on these commercials that I feel I need to watch them just to make sure they're worth the twenty-five trillion dollars paid for them. However, on some level, they're still just commercial breaks. The odds are good that, left to my own devices, I would forget that the ads during the Super Bowl are actually worth watching and flip the channel to Vh1 when the game's not on, thus missing the only good thing about the game. Luckily, I already saw the Matthew Broderick Ferris Bueller revival commercial online, so I know I won't miss the best ad this year! Undoubtedly, my Facebook news feed will be stuffed full of commentary on the funny ads all night, so I'm pretty confident I can figure out the important parts without actually sitting through the game. In summation, then, the best part of the television broadcast of the Super Bowl is not bothering to turn it on, and instead watching all the best ads the next day on YouTube.

In a girls' dorm, there is exactly one thing that makes the Super Bowl important: free, delicious food. Last year, the watch party here in Howard came with a giant table full of BDubs wings and, if I remember correctly, a cake. Why we felt a cake was appropriate, I will never know, but ultimately, who cares? Free cake is free cake. I may not have any remote interest in watching the game, but I am very interested in free food, so I will most definitely be making an appearance at the SB party. Another great thing about the Super Bowl is that it'll give me a great excuse to do homework! Considering my aversion to football and nerdy love of school, it's safe to say I would rather do my homework than watch the "big game." There are many, many shows on television that would take precedence over my homework - I Love New York Season 2, for instance - but no one is going to be showing anything good at the same time as the Super Bowl, so homework it shall be. Thanks, football!

See? There is good to be found in the Super Bowl! As long as you ignore everything that makes it a sports championship and instead focus on everything that makes it the year's biggest spectacle of unbridled capitalism, you're set to go. And if you simply must pick a team to win, pick the Giants - because anyone from Indiana knows that the Patriots are evil personified, whereas anyone from the Manning family pretty much sits at the right hand of God. Right behind Tim Tebow.

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