Tuesday, February 14, 2012

How to: Spend Valentine's Day Alone

Since I have now done it nineteen times, I like to think I'm a bit of an expert on how to survive Valentine's Day as a single person. And being the kind, good-hearted person that I am, I feel it's only fair for me to share my extensive knowledge with all of you! So, all you single ladies (and gents), here it is: the only guide you will ever need to spending Valentine's Day alone.

The first thing you should do is complain as much as possible. Acceptable things to say/tweet/set as your Facebook status include but are not limited to: "Ughhh I wish I had a boyfriend/girlfriend," "I seriously HATE Valentine's Day," and "Omg screw you happy people - I have The Notebook to keep me company, so there!" It doesn't matter what you say, really, as long as you're complaining. It is imperative that everyone you come in contact with knows that you are single on Valentine's Day. After all, there is no quicker way to win over a potential mate than by complaining about how you don't have one.

At this point, any people who read the above paragraph and didn't detect my raging sarcasm should, first, punch themselves, and secondly, go delete that tweet. I'm serious, go. Is it gone? Are you lying? Okay, good.

My next piece of advice - real this time - is to indulge the absolute crap out of yourself. For me, this means a plate full of sugar cookies, a three-pound bag of vaguely Valentine-themed chocolate, and watching a Law and Order: SVU marathon and writing a blog post instead of doing my homework this afternoon. I'll leave it to you to decide whether this is a special treat for myself in honor of the holiday or just what I do every Tuesday afternoon. But seriously, even people who eat healthily and consider themselves highly motivated deserve some quality time with candy and guilty-pleasure television programming if they're single on Valentine's Day. I don't care if you're content with your lack of significant other and feel no need to console yourself with gluttony - it's a good excuse to nom your way through an entire Whitman's sampler in two hours, happy or not. On a similar note, this is an excellent day to take a break from your workout/diet regimen. While I'm not saying this step is required, I am saying that if I see you out on a run today, I will body-check you into the nearest dining hall and not let you leave until you've eaten one of every dessert. You've been warned.

Another helpful tip is to channel all of your negative Valentine energy into creative outlets - specifically, creating anti-love playlists (a suggestion: "Tyrone" by Erykah Badu, the best and funniest angry-jaded-girlfriend song I've heard in years), doing third-grade level arts and crafts, and - for those of age, of course - inventing obnoxious pink cocktails, which you can later use to get completely hammered and break your promise to not call that ex-boyfriend of yours. The playlist-creating process is great because it   reminds you of all the awesome music you have on your computer and because it's a wonderful way to prove to yourself once again what a fantastic singer you are when you inevitably belt out "YOU - YOU - YOU OUGHTA KNOWWW" along with Alanis Morrissette. You're so right; he should know! The arts and crafts option is great because, first of all, arts and crafts are awesome, and secondly, because it takes you back to the good ol' days when Valentine's Day meant receiving shiny pieces of cardboard with Disney princesses (or, if you were in class with me, Harry Potter) on them from everyone in your whole class! As for the cocktail option? Well, that one should be self-explanatory. I would especially recommend this option to my old middle school "boyfriend" who I happen to know is currently single on Valentine's Day for the first time in years. Because there's nothing I want more in a man than a Purdue student who shoots squirrels recreationally!

So, ladies and gentlemen, there it is - tips and tricks for the happiest Valentine's Day you'll ever spend as a single, pathetic person. Eat those truffles, watch that horrible Channing Tatum movie, and, whatever you do, complain, complain, complain. If all else fails, remember: the saint we're supposedly celebrating today probably didn't even exist. Have fun eating alone in the dining hall tonight!

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