Saturday, January 28, 2012

Dear Girls

Dear girls of Notre Dame and the world,

As most of you probably know, a few months ago, I wrote a brief epistle instructing the gentlemen of earth on what all they are doing wrong with their lives. You may have thought that the fairer sex was going to escape my letter-blogging wrath unscathed.

You were wrong.

That's right, ladies - you all could make some improvements, too. I've given some extensive thought to the (many) things that annoy me about my fellow females and done some research on what guys find annoying about us, and the following is a summation of my findings. Read, enjoy, and ladies, take some notes - you need to.

First, there is the issue of dress. If the fashion blog "Man Repeller" is any indication, there are a good number of trends in women's fashion that are not exactly attractive to the menfolk. For the most part, those are not what I'm here to discuss. There is one thing in particular, though, that is really just not okay. That thing is leggings worn as pants. This trend has been creeping up on us for several years now, but it seems to have really caught on lately. Leggings are not pants. They're just not. Yoga pants and sweatpants are similar to leggings on the "I'm a bum" scale, but note the word "pants" in their names. Were leggings acceptable to wear as pants, they would, I like to think, be called legpants. So long as they are not called legpants, pants they shall not be. I'll begrudgingly accept this trend under 2 and only 2 circumstances: 1) you are wearing your legging-pants with an extremely long shirt/extremely short dress, or 2) you are in your dorm/apartment/home with no intention of leaving. I understand that they are convenient with boots. I understand that they are comfortable. However, I also understand that the whole world can see every nook and cranny of the lower half of your body when you wear them - and none of us wants to.

My next set of issues, contributed by the gentlemen, can be summed up as follows: if it seems like something one of the Plastics would do in Mean Girls, don't do it. For starters, there is the issue of playing dumb. Acting less intelligent than you are in order to look cute or to get guys is not, in fact, a good way to do either of those things. Aaron Samuels didn't like it; my team of contributors doesn't like it; your fellow girls find it incredibly annoying; it's stupid. Idiocy is not an attractive characteristic, so don't go around pretending like it is. Secondly, there are these things called nice boys. (Hard to believe, I know.) My contributor team had a couple of these nice guys on it, and, on their behalf, I'd like to remind all the ladies that the nice guys deserve attention, too. When you find it hard to ignore the bad boys, remember: those hot tattoos are going to look extremely stupid in 60 years. Finally, forcing the fellas to constantly go on girl-oriented dates is, if you think about it, not only rude, but strange. If you've found a guy willing to go to Panera with you on a regular basis, it is only fair for you to go to Texas Roadhouse or [insert manly restaurant here] with him at least once in a while.

Next up is an issue I have with my fellow ladies. I don't think I have ever gone more than 24 hours without hearing some girl talk about how fat she is. I hate this for so many reasons. First of all, since we are at Notre Dame, where I am pretty much the only girl on campus whose dress size has 2 digits, the odds are good that you are not actually fat. Secondly, that being said, on behalf of actually-overweight people everywhere, I'd like to point out that it's fairly offensive when some 100-pound girl talks about how obese she is while there is an actual overweight person in the room. Finally, it's not the end of the world if you're a couple notches short of physical perfection! As someone who has never been thin, I can tell you right now that life can be pretty freakin' awesome without having the body of Adriana Lima. I'm not against people exercising to stay healthy, but it goes overboard sometimes. For instance, when I browse my friends' latest pins on Pinterest, I entirely-too-often come across pictures of airbrushed-to-errorless fitness models as "workout motivation." I hate to break it to you, ladies, but you're never going to look like them. Looking svelte in tight/skimpy workout clothes is their job. Your job is college. And maybe a night shift at Reckers. Very few (read: none) of my friends look like those Pinterest-y motivators, but very many (read: all) of my friends are, as Regina George once said, "like, really pretty." So stop the "I'm fat" crap, ladies. You're not fat. You're not ugly. Next time you say you are, I might just punch you - after which, you will actually be ugly for a few hours. You've been warned.

Finally, to bring in another complaint from the fellas, the same stuff that annoys us about guys, apparently annoys guys about us, too. Don't bore them with overly-lengthy conversations - their simple little minds just can't handle it. With the gents and in general, give honesty a try. Just say what's on your mind! If you like a guy, tell him. I know this is utterly terrifying, but honestly, the worst thing that could happen is finding out he doesn't like you back. (And considering you spend most of your free time sitting with your girls trying to figure out if your latest love interest a mutual one - don't deny it - it wouldn't be so bad to know for sure.) A little common sense with this goes a long way.

So ladies, you may consider the above your instruction manual on how to not suck. Hopefully you'll learn a few valuable lessons. And if all else fails, try to make yourself as much as possible like whoever the female equivalent of Ryan Gosling is. That will always work.

The Domerberry

P.S. For anyone who was curious, I got a date for the formal. So one last tip for you, ladies: if you need a date for something, just write a blog post begging for one! It totally works!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Dances Are Stressful

So, as anyone who lives in Howard Hall or has even a vague connection to someone who does is aware, the Howard formal is coming up in an entirely-too-short 19 days. This darned dance is pretty much the most stressful thing in my life since, I don't know...learning to speak. Judging from the amount of time up here on the fourth floor spent talking about the dance, I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one experiencing said stress. Here, I will describe two of the myriad ways in which dances - more specifically, this accursed Howard formal dance - induce mind-bending stress on those who plan to attend them.

First is the ever-important issue of attire. This issue can be a challenging one for themed, fun SYRs, but it is magnified hundredfold for formals. There is, of course, the question of long dress vs. short dress. Since long dresses are encouraged for this dance and I have four perfectly lovely long dresses sitting at home never to be worn again but on occasions like dorm formals, this decision was fairly easy for me. For those still pondering this choice, remember: if you wear a long dress, you can get away with not shaving your legs! ...Well, that was a strong motivating factor for me, anyway. Once you've decided whether or not to don a floor-length gown, millions (yes, millions) more questions materialize. For one, where should a gal go to get this dress? There are the dresses you wore for proms and whatnot, but, I mean, you've already WORN those. You could buy a new one, but you're in college, so you're probably too poor to drop several hundred dollars on what is essentially a few yards of fabric. You could borrow a dress from someone, but you'd better not spill booze on it at your pre-game if your dress is not only worth several hundred dollars but also not yours. Then there's color. It's winter, so bright colors would seem to make little sense. At the same time, though, the dance is Mardi Gras themed, so brights sort of work. You also might be concerned about clashing with the color of  your besties' dresses, your "this-is-January-in-South-Bend" winter pallor, or, if you're my sister at prom, your date's obnoxious red hair. (Note to my sister's prom date, if you're reading this as I expect you are: JUST KIDDING YOUR HAIR IS WONDROUSLY GINGERY AND BEAUTIFUL.)

With that marvelous transition comes Dance Stressor #2: the date. This is, of course, the most difficult question of all. If you have a boyfriend, you can go with him and your life is awesome and everyone hates you so stop reading this. If you don't have a boyfriend, your date possibilities are both limitless (because you could technically take anyone in the world) and ridiculously limited (because Lord knows it's not that easy). Your group of friends could go with some guy's group of friends. This eliminates the base problem of being dateless, but it presents many more: you probably don't know the guy, he could very easily be ugly or weird or both, he will very probably end up ignoring you most of the night since he does not know you, etc. If you're looking for an individual date, it's even more complicated. For an off-campus, very formal dance like this one, it'd make sense to go with a close friend. But what if all your close guy friends have girlfriends? The sassy-gay-friend date is always a reliable choice (ask my junior prom), but this is Notre Dame, so you probably don't actually know any gay people. Among a host of other problems is the issue of compatibility in pre-game preferences. Is your potential date a raging alcoholic who will not attend a dance without first consuming enormous quantities of cheap vodka? Are YOU a raging alcoholic who will not attend a dance without first consuming enormous quantities of cheap vodka? First of all, if you answered yes to either of those, you should probably reevaluate at least a couple of priorities in your life. But if you answered yes to one and no to the other, your potential date is probably going to be awkward. There are dozens of other factors to consider, as well - what if your potential date has a girlfriend you don't know about because you've only really stalked him on Facebook and not spent time with him in real life? What if you ask your potential date and he's busy that night? (If you think that wouldn't be that awkward, I can tell you from three separate personal experiences that it is very, very awkward indeed.) Does your potential date know your besties and/or their dates? Does he care if he doesn't? The questions just don't stop!

Of course, there are other issues to deal with besides these. Some examples, for those of you who aren't yet stressed out enough, include: when to have your date come over, how on earth to do your hair, how to keep from drunkenly insisting on twelve pictures with your RA at the dance (friends, you know which of you I'm addressing), what 1998-era Backstreet Boys songs to covertly sneak onto the song-request list without making your whole dorm think you're a huge weirdo, which friends to include in your posse for the evening, and what to title the inevitable Howard formal Facebook album/what caption to put on your inevitable new Howard formal profile picture. Anyone who thinks that college students live carefree lives of effortless fun and partying has clearly never been to a dance. Ever.

Oh, and one more thing. In case you couldn't tell, I am, in fact, currently in the market for a date to this formal!! If you, reader, are an eligible bachelor with nothing going on on February 10, feel free to shoot me an email/Facebook message/text containing a 500-word essay on why you are worthy of going to the Howard formal with me!

Okay, just kidding about that last part. But I am looking for a date. And I'm not above using my blog to get it. On that note, other things I'm currently looking for include: my dignity. Hit me up boyz!!!

Monday, January 16, 2012

What I Did on Retreat, or Baby Sarah

This weekend, I went on retreat with the Folk Choir. Before I left, I grabbed an old journal from my room to write in during the retreat. I wrote in it, but more importantly, I turned back to the beginning and read the whole thing. I used this journal during my sophomore year of high school. It is absolutely hilarious. Below are some of the best quotes that I can publish on the Internet without humiliating myself or my friends. Enjoy.

10/3/07: "Right now, things are crazy. Like, in general, they're all right, but there's one thing that's totally crazy, that is all I'm thinking about, meaning things are crazy."

10/12/07: "The game was fun. We scared people as they walked by. B/c we were in the front row, so Natalie would pop over the rail and scare people. Like, get right in front of their faces and say stuff. She'd say, 'Helloooo,' or 'Boo,' or she would just bleat like a goat. Then by the end, we just decided to take people's hats from right off their heads. THAT was fun. We got this one little boy TWICE. After that, he'd either hold the brim of his hat or just take it off when he walked by. She messed with one foreign's hair and he almost cried. (You do NOT touch his hair.) She took another guy's ridiculous lumberjack hat three times in one conversation. He almost killed her."

"Obviously the only time a girl and a guy walk to or from class together is if they're dating."

10/18/07: "Were it not for the fact that we are 'just friends,' it would have been very romantic."

10/22/07: "And tomorrow I'm hanging out w/ [boy]. SO PUMPED! I'm gonna die. WOO PUMPED! **PUMPED!** I'm like Tourrette's/ADHD right now! God! Pumped! Ttyl! I need food!"

11/4/07: "This is not easy to write right now b/c I got fake nails for the dance (YES) and they're really long so I can't really hold the pen normally. (Btw I'm writing in pen right now mostly because the pencil is not sharp and I don't feel like sharpening it.) So anyway... We had Brent drive us to Natalie's car. Well, actually, I was in the car, and Natalie rode on the hood. That was funny. But then we decided we wanted to race to Walmart. Brent beat us out of the parking lot, so Natalie decided it was a good idea to RAMP INTO THE LANDIS PARKING LOT! It was kind of terrifying. We were ahead of him then, going into Marleton Hills. Then we all hit a snag. The boys' swim team happened to be running in Marleton. So we had to like dodge them and stuff...between the two cars, we almost took out all of them. But anyway."

11/11/07: "At one point while we were in line, I got into it with [jerk] (who had already thrown pebbles from the centerpiece at MY HEAD), and he says, 'Shh!' and I say, 'You shh!'. And then he said 'we don't need that here' about six times. Then, at the EXACT SAME MOMENT, [friend] and I go, 'We don't need YOU here!' It was freaky."

12/12/07: "I love half days. They're great. Wow. I'm glad it's been more than a MONTH since I last wrote. I've been way mondo (wow redundant?) busy, obv. I'm really happy right now, b/c I'm listening to Soulja Boy on my iPod b/c I got $15 in iTunes. I'm very happy about it."

"By now, there's basically no one in the entire school who doesn't know that I like him. My entire algebra class knows - we talk about it regularly - as does my entire chem class, and obv. the entire cast of South Pacific, Mrs. [history], Mrs. [math], Mr. [history student teacher], most all of Swing Choir...everyone."

1/1/08: "For Christmas, I got a book called "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer. It was REALLY good. It was 500 pages long and I still finished it by the 27th."

"We played this trivia game called Buzz. It was 4 teams of 4, and all the team names ended up being sexual. It was Team Weiner (my team), Team Shockers, Team Ray Pists, and Team Dangle. We had to shorten our names onscreen, though, so we ended up w/ Ween, Shokr, Raypis, and Dangl. Team Ween kicked BUTT! We won in a landslide. For a long time it was really close between my team and Team Dangle, so we coined the term 'Weendangl.' Isn't that a fun word? In the end, though, Team Ween was, of course, victorious. We screamed our brains out. Our prize was a snow leopard, which proceeded to eat the game show host."

[while watching My Super Sweet 16] "In her tour, this chick goes up to this giant bear - which is just sitting there in their living room - and says, 'This is Fluffy. My daddy shot him 2 years ago in Russia.' In the immortal words of Severus Snape/Alan Rickman, I may vomit. Meanwhile, I'm still bored out of my mind. I mean, a girl can only watch so many episodes of My Super Sweet 16."

"This is yet another reason for him to get with me. My dad wouldn't get his name wrong every day if he was my boyfriend. Just thought I'd point that out."

1/2/08: "You know, I don't have ANY classes with [boy] this semester? That'll be WEIRD. I don't know what I'll do with myself. Die, for one thing."

"I am the last person on Earth to still not have a Facebook."

"Today was seriously like the worst day in the history of the world. (I don't have that much to write, but it's gonna take me 30 years, cuz I cannot do anything while I'm watching America's Next Top Model. It's the Cycle 4 finale, for Pete's sake!) I just knew it would be a really bad day, as soon as I found out about [kid] being snowed in for All-State practice. I did. I heard that, and I said, 'Bad things are gonna happen today. Today is a bad, bad day.' And, of course, it was."

"I'll kill myself. Seriously. I HATE TODAY!! Kill. My. Self. Dead. Pushing up daisies. Having kicked the bucket. [friend] suggested that I hit [mean girl]. I WANT to run her over with an 18-wheeler! I HATE HER! UGHHHH! <3, Sarah"

1/5/08: "I had some weird dreams last night. In the first one, JCT was performing Wizard of Oz again. I was an elephant. Like, I was playing one. I don't know what the point of the elephants is, b/c it was a rehearsal and we didn't do any elephant scenes."

1/6/08: "Oh My God! WE WON A BASKETBALL GAME! We'd all forgotten what that's like, to win a game. It was amazing! Cuz obviously as of last night, we were 1-7. But Harrison, who we were playing, was like 1-8. So hey they've lost more games than us, maybe we can beat them."

1/8/08: "I love rain! I really do. Cuz right now there's this massive, sinner-smiting, arc-building monsoon of a rainstorm going on. So today, we got out at 1:10 cuz of the flooding! That is what I'm talking about, baby!"

3/21/08: "Here, I will briefly pause to bring you this message. BILL CLINTON - you know, former U.S. PRESIDENT - is coming to Logansport. And I am going to be in Colorado. That would happen. So anyway."

"I looked at [boy] a couple times during our concert, you know, and, in my mind, sang 'Hopelessly Devoted' entirely to him."

4/1/08: "Then Chelsea goes, 'Oh yeah, I think he def. has a thing 4 u.' WHAT? What is this? I'll tell you what it is! It is ridiculosity! Ah. My arrector pilis just tightened! Hehe that means I have goosebumps. We learned that in Med Term 2day. Anyway. RIDICULOUS!"

"Plus, his last 'idk,' I'm not sure if he said 'but' or 'so.' And there's kind of a vital difference. Actually, there's not. I'm being ridiculous."

4/18/08: "The LOVE OF MY LIFE is in leagues with my MORTAL ENEMY! I can't believe it. THIS SITUATION IS TRYING TO MAKE ME COMMIT SUICIDE!! Although I probably won't even have to kill myself, b/c the outside world seems bound and determined to beat me to it. Tuesday night, there's a giant explosion boom sound which still hasn't been officially determined to be a sonic boom. Then today at 5:34 am, we had an EARTHQUAKE. That's right, an earthquake. In LOGANSPORT. THE WORLD IS COMING TO A FREAKING END. Next, we'll probably have a plague of flipping locusts! BRING IT ON, LOCUSTS! BRING. IT. ON!!!"

5/23/08: "Next year, we should do Rent. B/c high schools are doing it now, and it's like this. A) I love the show. B) If I didn't get a lead, it wouldn't be so bad, b/c let's think about it. Do I really want to be an AIDS-ridden stripper or a lesbian who, come to think of it, also has AIDS? Then next year, in Cinderella, I'd LOVE to be the stepmother. God knows I love to play the villain. And I just love Bernadette Peters. She could have been in Glitter and still rocked."

6/19/08: "I would like to point out that 'In the Ayer' is ridiculous. They rhyme jam & damn with A.M. Also, song & zone. THESE WORDS DO NOT RHYME, FLO RIDA! Also, Jamie Lynn Skank - I mean, Spears - had her baby this morning. Maddie Brianna. Not Madison. No. Maddie. God."

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I Should Have an Advice Column

I've given it some thought, and I have decided that it's true: I really should be given an advice column. For reasons that I can't even remotely understand, people just love coming to me with their problems and asking me to help them. While my responses may not do much to solve their actual dilemmas, the fact that they ask certainly does a lot for my ego! Furthermore, I have lots of opinions on pretty much everything, so I like to think that sharing my opinions with people, through the guise of counseling them or giving them advice, occasionally helps them out, too. So, without further ado, here goes a series of my opinions on subjects and problems recently posed to me - also known as episode one of the Domerberry Advice Column.

Dear Domerberry,
So, you see, there's this boy. He's like, super cute and, like, nice and stuff, and we've really hit it off. We hang out pretty often - well, I mean, at night usually, because he's, like, really nocturnal, you know? - and I think things are really going well. He's not my "boyfriend" per se, because he totally thinks labels are, like, soooo lame. And he doesn't like people to know I'm seeing him. Oh, and I'm still a legal minor and he's nine years older than me. That's like...totally okay, right?
Secret Lover

Dear Secret Lover,
I'm not gonna lie, this relationship sounds like a phenomenally bad idea in quite a number of ways. In theory, I'm not opposed to age-disparate relationships. I mean, my grandparents were seven years apart or something and they were married for, like, ninety years. However, this particular one has some issues. It should probably concern you that he insists you only see each other in secret...and at night...and that you refrain from "using labels." I'm not saying he's, you know, a borderline pedophile who's only interested in you for reasons that are just a few notches short of wholesome....but, now that you mention it, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. So, by all means, feel free to keep seeing him! Just maybe think of having a police escort with you and a bottle of mace in your purse when you do. Hope that helps!

Dear Domerberry,
Like so many twenty-year-olds, I'm livin' my life, bein' a college student. When I come from college, I don't want to be bored, obviously. And, you know, it'd be nice to not have to put my love life on hold! So I've got a casual thing going on with a guy I know back home. He's completely adorbs, and very much my type, he just happens to be, you know, 15. Is that so bad? I don't think that's so bad! It's not so bad, right? Help me!
The Mayor of Cougartown

Dear Madame Mayor,
Technically, this is probably not advisable. People generally say that the youngest "acceptable" age for a potential mate/boyfriend/cub is half your age plus seven. So a relationship with a fifteen-year-old, by societal standards, is probably what most people would call "creepy." However, by the time you're 24 and he's 19, as far as the formula's concerned, you're golden! And hey, you're nowhere near the Creepytown USA that the former Mrs. Hulk Hogan and her thirty-years-younger boyfriend inhabit. All things considered, then, should you start memorizing when the kid's in homeroom or geometry and start following him around his high school? Eh, you know, probably not! Should you ask him to be your boyfriend and change your Pinterest wedding plans to reflect his initials? Again, I'm gonna go with a big fat "no"! However, is it the end of the world for you to hang out with him now and again? My verdict is no. As long as you keep your activities at a level he could watch at the movies without an adult - so, you know, keep it PG13! - cougar away, my friend!

Dear Domerberry,
I'd prefer to stay anonymous, but I'm the daughter of some pretty famous folks, and I've got a problem. Some idiot on Twitter decided to mess around with my name - which is, admittedly, a bit unorthodox - and they're spreading around that it stands for "Illuminati's Very Youngest, Born Living Under Evil"! They can't even get my first and middle names in the right order! I keep trying to say that's obviously nonsense, but no one will take me seriously. I mean, I wasn't born yesterday, people! Well, I mean..I guess technically...anyway, could you please give me some advice on this? I ain't no child of evil, I'm Destiny's Child! In a completely metaphorical sense, unrelated to my parentage, because, again, anonymity is key.
I Don't Even Know What the Illuminati Is

Dear "Anonymous,"
Don't worry about what people say; you're significantly richer than them! Assuming my sleuthing skills have successfully navigated me through your oh-so-thickly-veiled attempts at anonymity, I think I can say with confidence that you've probably got a bit more going for you than people who sit around coming up with hidden meanings behind the names of babies they'll never meet. If you're still not convinced, take comfort in my own experiences! My name is normal and, you know, an actual name, but I've still had people butcher it. (Selah and Sahara are two of my personal favorites. Yes, people have actually, non-ironically called me those names.) And few people know this, but my name is actually an acronym, too! Of course, mine stands for Smart And Really Amazingly Hilarious. But hey, you win some, you lose some, right? Good luck with your album!

That's all for now, folks! Oh, and so everyone's aware, the aforementioned events and people are completely fictional. Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, or to any situations that you feel like you've actually told me about, say, within the last 24 hours, are purely coincidental.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Just Call Me Mayan!

The word on the street is that, sometime in antiquity, the Mayans made a fairly important prediction about this year in which we have recently started to live. While I have no idea what THAT might be, since no one has ever, say, written a song, made a movie, or crafted some "clever" Facebook status/tweet about it, I have a few predictions of my own for this new year. A note on my credentials: I may not be a Mayan calendar-maker or a psychic, but I did dress up as Sibyl Trelawney one night last semester, so clearly, I am totally qualified to make these predictions. Please accept them as fact.

Predictions About Babies
1. Kourtney Kardashian's baby will come out of the womb Jersey Shore-status tan, bearing a foot-long, luscious mane of shiny black hair, and wrapped in swaddling clothes fashioned from $100 bills.
2. Beyonce and Jay-Z's baby will have a platinum album and a clothing line by the end of 2012.
3. The LHS Class of 2010 will start producing its first within-wedlock babies.
4. I will remain very much not pregnant.

Predictions About Weather
1. My house will actually blow away to Oz from ridiculous 60 mph wind gusts. (Note: this is going to happen by the end of today. I am currently in my living room fearing for my life.)
2. Notre Dame administrators will not be dumb enough to give us another snow day.
3. South Bend, IN, will experience unseasonably mild, pleasant temperatures and humidity levels for the entire summer, particularly those days of summer that coincide with the Vision program during which I will probably be housed in an un-air conditioned dorm.
4. Hurricane season will end after the second hurricane of the year, because the entire world will be too collectively dumbstruck by a storm named BERYL to possibly continue.

Predictions About School
1. Science majors will continue to make fun of Arts and Letters majors every day of their lives, because it's not like the President of the United States majored in poli sci or anything.
2. Defying all odds, I will excel in "Poetry Writing for English Majors." Expect my first book of poems to be published by September.
3. The LHS senior class will have an academic top 20 including students with GPAs of 2.5.
4. Notre Dame will make a sudden leap to #1 on the US News and World Report college rankings list. Just because.

Predictions About Politics, Sports, and Other Things I Don't Care About
1. In a come-from-behind victory, the Republican presidential nomination will go to Donald Trump. When he loses the general election, he will simply declare Obama "fired" and forcibly take office.
2. In another highly improbable, come-from-behind victory, the Colts will achieve a hometown victory in the Super Bowl. Haha just kidding, they don't win games.
3. The LA Lakers will win the World Series, and the Indiana Fever will win the Stanley Cup, both with a final score of 40-37.
4. Bob Rohrman will run for and become governor of Indiana (2013 - king of the world).

Predictions About Entertainment
1. Multiple teenagers will attempt suicide when Breaking Dawn: Part 2 comes out and the Twilight series (and subsequently, all meaning in their lives) comes to an end.
2. The highest-grossing film of the year will be a remake of From Justin to Kelly, telling the unlikely but touching love story of Justin Bieber and Kelly Osbourne.
3. Nicki Minaj and Josh Groban will make a collaboration album that will sell five million copies, ten of which will be bought by me, because I just loved it so much!
4. We will see the dawn of 4-D television. Its pioneer will be VH1, who will start to actually send Drita from Mob Wives out of viewers' televisions to beat them up mid-show.

Miscellaneous Predictions That Wouldn't Fit Anywhere Else
1. The world will not end on December 21 or any other day this year, because God is not cruel enough to end the world before I turn 21 and/or The Book of Mormon stops being sold out every night on Broadway, neither of which is likely to occur in the next 12 months.
2. My family will finally win the HGTV Dream Home. Look for me on all the gossip websites during Sundance in my new hometown of Park City!!
3. Cars will be replaced by hovercrafts.
4. This blog will be discovered by someone extremely important, and I will be catapulted to enormous fame and fortune. I'll be sure to thank all of you faithful readers when accepting my first Oscar/Tony/Emmy/Pulitzer/Nobel Peace Prize.