Monday, November 12, 2012

You Are All Horribly Boring

If you are particularly stalker-ish, you may have noticed that I haven't written anything here on the ol' blog in quite some time. Between fall break, the release of Red, and both Halloweekends, the end of last month gave me enough blog fodder to sustain myself for a good while. But in the dearth of slut-enabling holidays and major album releases that has been the beginning of November, I've realized something: you people are incredibly boring.

Since my last blog post, conversation around this campus has dropped to the point where it includes meaningless small talk and pretty much nothing else. Am I wrong? Let's think about it.

Last night at around 9:00, if you were a girl between the ages of 10 and, eh, 40, what were you doing? Based on the contents of my Twitter feed for three solid hours yesterday evening, there is only one answer to this question: watching The Notebook on television. That's what you were doing. That's also the only thing you were tweeting about. And you're right. Ryan Gosling is very attractive. That tweet you just composed containing only Gosling's most recent bit of voiceover and a cryptic hashtag obliquely referencing your ex-boyfriend will get you 25 retweets, because everyone you know is doing the same thing as you right now. And your complaint that you will never have a romance like Noah and Allie? Well, as long as you continue to do nothing more interesting with your life than watch The Notebook on TV and live-tweet it simultaneously with all of your friends, this, too, is spot-on!

Then there are my Notre Dame friends. What did you guys do all day on Saturday? You watched football. A lot of football. This weekend, not only did you watch, either on TV or live in Chestnut Hill, our own game, but you watched the Bama game, too. You did victory dances for Texas A&M. You spent three hours of your life watching Notre Dame be almost as boring as yourselves in a match-up against a team who has only won two games all season. You spent your whole Saturday watching football, and then you spent your whole Sunday talking about football.

"But Sarah," you say, "I didn't just talk about football on Sunday! It was 70 degrees on November 11th in Indiana!" Ah yes, that's right. You talked about two things on Sunday. Sports and the weather.

My friends, have we all been carrying water coolers around with us for the past twelve days? Because lately, we have been absolute pros at office small talk. I say "we," of course, because I, too, watched two football games on Saturday and I, too, spent all day yesterday talking about nat----l ch------ship odds and how yes, it is so crazy that I'm in shorts today and it's supposed to snow tomorrow, Indiana weather, amirite? I did not watch The Notebook yesterday, because I was reading about violence and decolonization in Algeria. At one point last night, I even dragged myself over to a Folk Choir basketball game in hopes that something exciting would happen or Rasta would show up. There were three people there and only one person ever got hit in the face with a basketball.

Disappointing all 'round.

Some of you may point out that not all of November so far has been boring, since there was an election sprinkled in there somewhere. To you I say, was that really that interesting? We kept the incumbent President in office, by a relatively wide margin in both the Electoral College and the popular vote. Indiana came to its senses and voted Republican again like it's supposed to do. NBC and CNN projected the winner by 11:15 PM. As presidential elections go, this was incredibly dull.

So people, let's start being interesting again! At this time last year, I had just been forced into competing in a pageant, which I ended up almost winning. Occupy Wall Street was still a thing. Last November was actually entertaining! My challenge to you, then, readers, is this: make November entertaining again. Do exciting things. Once in a while, talk about things other than football.

And, by all means, if you hear of someone doing something funny, tell me about it - because I am running out of things to say about you boring people.

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